Learning Instead of Resolving

USA, 2018.

We are almost two weeks into 2021. How many of your New Year’s resolutions are you still keeping? When I thought about making New Year’s resolutions this year, a number of things went through my mind. My husband doesn’t see the point of resolutions, and never makes them. I make them, but rarely keep them long. And certainly research shows that big change almost never happens just by promising to change, especially when the promise is coming from the idea that “I am defective and need to fix myself.” For example, in a study of patients who tried to make life-style changes following a heart attack—where it could literally be a matter of life or death—most patients could not sustain the changes. No wonder most New Year’s resolutions are soon broken, especially since they usually have much lower stakes.

“Instead of trying to fix myself,
I decided to find a way to grow through learning”

Yet I still love the idea of using a new year as an opportunity for fresh beginnings. What better time to start something new? But instead of trying to fix myself, I decided to find a way to grow through learning, instead of making a promise to myself that I would probably break.

Like many people, I have been feeling overwhelmed lately by all the demands placed on me, and would like to find a way to make more space for myself. In the past, I might have used this feeling as the basis for a resolution involving a change in my behavior, such as getting more sleep, or taking longer breaks between clients, or spending more time doing art. Which may all be good ideas, but are changes I’m not sure I could actually sustain. Instead, I’ve decided that this year I will learn more about how to make space for myself. Part of this will be observing myself, to see when I feel overwhelmed and what helps. Part of it will be talking to others, both those who are successful in making enough space for themselves and those who aren’t. And part of it will be experiments such as trying to get more sleep, taking longer breaks between clients, or spending more time doing art. Since I will be approaching these changes as experiments instead of promises, I can find what works for me without feeling bad about the experiments that don’t work. (To discover more about how I approach change and experiments see a short video here or a full talk on the topic here.)

So instead of trying to fix yourself this year, I would encourage you to find something that interests you and learn more about it. It might be something internal, similar to my own decision to learn more about how to make more space for myself. Or it might be something external, such as an interest in Tibetan artifacts, artificial intelligence, or locally sourced food. Either way, you will learn more about yourself, and may find new ways to bring yourself solace, joy, or fulfillment.

And you may even change yourself. While making promises to yourself is a lousy way to change, the kind of growth that comes from learning is a great first step towards making sustainable change.